Honor Thy Brother and Sister

In my office on the tack board above my desk, like most workers, I have various photos, notes and mementos that I’ve posted over time. One is a small photo of me and my sister taken when I was probably age three or so and she, two years older. We’re sitting in water face to face at a Mississippi gulf coast beach and the expression on our faces is priceless! I look like I’m about to cry and Nell (my sister) looks like she's scolding
me. This is how I remember my childhood as a “little brother,” in our small family of mother, father and two children. My sister was a force to be reckoned with and I, always in her “wake,” was less confident. The two years between us, as children, seem to put us in different worlds: I anxious to join her with her older friends and activities and she, equally insistent on me butting out! 

I just spent a week visiting my sister and her family in East Tennessee and am thinking about our relationship now, with us both in our 60’s, and what it means about sibling ties. (Wayne and sister Nell pictured sitting on bench.)

Why are sibling relationships important?

• While friendships come and go, sibling relationships are permanent. We cannot choose our siblings as we do our friends (painfully true to those who don’t get along with their siblings). This is what makes this relationship unique. 
  
  
• The sibling relationship has the longest duration of any human relationship! Next to our parents, who know us from birth to adulthood, our siblings are likely to know us even longer. 
  
  
• Our siblings share with us a lifetime of memories and stories. For example, only Nell and I remember the details of a fifteen hour drive from Mississippi to Miami in a crowded, un-air-conditioned car to be at my favorite uncle’s wedding when we were small children! This shared history is priceless and becomes more valuable as we age.

How do sibling relationships change over the life span?

• In childhood, except for times of sibling rivalry, we often turn to our siblings for support, advice and entertainment. As we get older, however, this often changes.
   
• Once we reach adulthood, siblings often “go their separate ways” in order to establish their identity, pursue employment and establish a family of their own.
  
  
•  It’s not uncommon in late middle-age for sibling to “find each other” and establish close ties once again.
  
  
• Significant life events (death, divorce, birth of grandchildren, retirement, illness) can create new sibling contact. Early rivalries are often put aside as these circumstances bring us back together. 
  
  

What can we do to enhance sibling relations?

• Because sibling relationships can be so beneficial in later life, it’s important to nourish interactions with siblings in adulthood as well as among our own children.
   

What can we do to enhance sibling relations between our children?

• Provide opportunities for our children to share time and activities, despite differences in age. 

• Be sure no favoritism is practiced by parents or other extended family (the most common cause of sibling rivalry that can last into later life). 
  
  
• Allow siblings to work through their own disagreements, which allows them to develop a relationship with each other that is separate from their parents. 
  
  
• When older siblings begin to leave home, encourage then to maintain contact with their younger siblings and continue involvement in family events.

What can we do to enhance sibling relations in adulthood?

• Research has shown that having brothers and sisters can significantly benefit us in later life. Siblings who maintain connection report higher levels of life satisfaction and lower levels of depression later in life. 
  
  
• Parents need to maintain strong ties with brothers and sisters in adulthood. This serves to model healthy behavior for our children’s sibling relations. 
  
  
• Adult siblings need to make extra effort to establish mutually respectful relationships with the spouse of our siblings. Friction with sister or brother-in-laws can create distance or fractures that become difficult to heal. 
  
  
• Adult siblings must practice mutual support and cooperation during times of family stress and upheaval. This sets the tone for seeing one another as a source of emotional and practical support through both good times and bad. 
  
  
• Research shows that sisters are often the ones who maintain interaction and communications. Brothers need to step up and take responsibility for continuing connection and contact! 
  
  
• As the Holiday Season is upon us, many will be thrown into close contact with our siblings and will have plenty of opportunity to experience these dynamics in a personal way! At Methodist EAP, we hope this is time of re-connection and appreciation. Of course, in our complicated lives, this is not always the reality. Please remember that your EAP is a simple phone call away and that our “gift” to you is a safe, confidential place to be heard, honored and supported.

Happy Holidays from the EAP team!

Wayne Hyatt received his Master's Degree in Counseling from Memphis State University and is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), Certified Employee Assistance Professional (CEAP) and a Certified Substance Abuse Professional. He has experience in both clinical and administrative positions in the behavioral health field.