It’s amazing how we learn so much from the point of birth until adulthood. Our parents can’t wait for us to learn to talk. Fathers are excited about children saying “daddy”. Mothers are overcome with joy and wait with bated breath for a child to say “mama”. PBS Parents reports “At 12 months infants understand 50 words; at 15 months, 120 words; at 16 months, 170 words; at 18 months, 200 or more words (www.pbs.org; Development Tracker).” As our vocabulary increases and we acquire more ways to communicate, we still find ourselves confused when it comes to communicating in relationships.
Communication can serve to bring us together or it tears us apart. Do you remember the old adage, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” The person who coined this saying must have been living in a bubble. I can attest that there have been times in which my words were a source of offense for the hearer. There have also been times in which my words were a source of inspiration and encouragement. It is not words of comfort that causes conflict in relationships. Conflict arises as a result of a lack of communication or communication patterns that dishonor both the sender and receiver.
Dr. John Gottman identifies four communication styles that can predict the end of a relationship with over 90% accuracy. The styles are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (www.gottman.com).
Criticism is when one person only seeks to define another person’s behavior in a negative way. It is a means of discrediting or discounting the positive actions of others,
Contempt is to label the other person in a negative way. For example, defining the other person as idiot, stupid, lazy, etc.
Defensiveness occurs when the other person feels attacked as a result of the criticisms and contempt.
Stonewalling happens when one person shuts down and disengages as a result of being on the receiving end of one or more of the other three negative communication styles.
Having been married for almost 25 years, my wife and I had to learn to recognize and alter our faulty ways of communicating. Gottman suggests 5 efforts of positive communication as an antidote to every one negative communication. Positive interactions may consist of the following:
- Listen with unconditional positive regard (tell me more).
- Be observant and complimentary (you look really nice today).
- Express positive sentiment (I love you, I appreciate you, thank you).
- Offer assistance where needed (how can I help?).
- Take ownership of actions/ be willing to make changes (I could have done a better job/ next time I will).
- Gather the facts (help me to understand what happened).
Talking through problems is not always an easy task. Good communication starts with the person you can control - yourself. I have found that it’s not helpful to talk through issues when I have a negative attitude or I am low on the mood elevator. We have greater chance of success when communication occurs when we are fully present and free from distraction.
My grandmother would often say, “It’s so nice to be nice.” Talking through it is not just about being nice, although being nice goes a long way. It means being genuine and speaking about your experience in a respectful manner. The Methodist Healthcare EAP is here for you if you find that you are having trouble communicating in relationships. We can offer strategies to enhance communication and promote healthy relationships. To schedule your free, confidential appointment call (901)683-5658 or Toll Free: 800-880-5658.
Fredrick Gillam, Jr., LPC
Counselor
Fredrick Gillam Jr. is a Licensed Professional Counselor with a designation of Mental Health Services Provider. He has experience with specialized populations including victims of domestic violence, trauma, and substance abuse. Fredrick’s passion to bring about change for individuals and families has been displayed through his use of evidenced based practices. He utilizes modalities such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy ( DBT), Motivational Interviewing (MI), and Trauma Therapy. Fredrick is a graduate of Harding School of Theology, where he earned a Master of Arts in Counseling with a concentration in Marriage and Family Therapy.
Outside of the professional venue, Fredrick enjoys spending time with his family. He is an Ordained Minister and is actively involved in his church and the community. He is an avid reader, appreciates a good movie, and loves to be outdoors and go for walks.