As a boy growing up in Central Mississippi, fishing was my main source of pleasure. Sunday was for church and my mother’s pot roast from the pressure cooker (I still remember the sound and the smell…) Sunday afternoon, my father’s day off, was for a ride in the back of his pick-up truck to a country lake where he would sit on the bank in a lawn chair watching his cork and I would paddle around in a boat trying to catch a bass.
As an adult, I still find myself measuring the week by how close I am to the weekend and become frustrated when the weather report turns sour….I’ve worked all week (or went to school as a child), looked forward to the weekend (to go fishing or some other outdoor activity) and now it’s raining! I’m disappointed….things haven’t turned out the way I wanted and I’m unhappy. I’m far from childhood and I would think I would have adjusted to the reality of life by now: you don’t always get what you want, expect or had hoped for.
Life certainly has its share of disappointments, big and small, and our ability to adapt is a key indication of our emotional health and overall life satisfaction. I see this in my day-to-day work as an EAP counselor: the disappointments of my client’s in their marriages/relationships, in their work lives and in the way their life has unfolded. At times, it shows itself in frustration and anger, other times in anxiety or depression. This is not what they had hoped for or, for that matter, were prepared for, and they are distressed. Moreover, the limitations of trying to change the people we are with (not surprisingly, they don’t like it) become depressingly apparent and the lure of starting anew (new people, new job, new place….) brings its own lack of guarantees. What are we to do? I think we are left with looking inward and focusing on several key issues: our perceptions, our expectations and our ability to adapt.
Our Perceptions
As a child, when it rained on Sunday, I took it personally! It felt like there was some plot going on to mess up my plans. Of all the days to rain, why does it have to be today? It just wasn’t fair. My perspective was simple: it was about what I wanted or didn’t want…nothing more. Like Google Earth, my view was zoomed in to the “street level” and all I saw was my house! It certainly did not include thoughts on the beauty of rain or the gift of the rain to the farmer down the road. What we see depends on where we sit and it helps to get out of our chair and look around….how can we look at this differently…from another person’s point of view or from a higher, spiritual level? Our disappointments lessen as our view expands beyond ourselves.
Our Expectations
Our expectations are simply a projection of our wants and desires and can be helpful if they are defined as goals and objectives that are realistic and within our control. However, when our expectations are directed at others or life itself, we’re on a slippery slope. It’s as if we are in a stage play as the “director,” and in charge of the dialogue and plot…if everyone would just follow the script, all would be well! Of course, we haven’t been “hired” to direct, and people/life follows its own script and we can easily fall into disappointment, blame and criticism. The challenge is to acknowledge our hopes and desires but with a light touch and acceptance of the “big picture” and our place in it.
Our Ability to Adapt
Someone said “Make plans but do so with a pencil and eraser.” We are not in charge, much is out of our control but we are responsible for our reactions and choices. Life, and this becomes increasingly clear as we age, requires flexibility and resilience. We are challenged to see things the way they really are, not how we want them to be and then figure out what to do. What is required of me to be with this person, this job, this place, this situation and am I up to it? Of course, sometimes we’re better at this than others but one thing is for sure: life will give plenty of opportunity for practice!
If you are looking for a safe, confidential place to discuss your disappointments and challenges, remember your EAP with Methodist Healthcare is a simple phone call away at 901-683-5658. We’re available for you and your household members at no cost and with flexible hours.
Wayne Hyatt received a master’s degree in counseling from Memphis State University and is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), Certified Employee Assistance Professional (CEAP) and a Certified Substance Abuse Professional. He has experience in both clinical and administrative positions in behavioral health.