I don’t know about you, but I thought my high school sweetheart and I would be together forever. Why? We loved each other, of course. That’s what I would have told you back then. Most of us have that one love that we thought would last a lifetime. So, if love is the ingredient that makes a relationship successful then why do 53% of marriages in the U.S., 48% in Canada, 47% in the U.K., and 43% in Australia end in divorce, according to Psychology Today’s website article 7 Keys to Long-Term Relationship Success (2012)? Well, one reason could be that a successful relationship isn’t only about love. A few other ingredients are needed too.
There is a saying that if you don’t have trust, you don’t have anything. Trust is the first and perhaps most important predictor of long-term relationship success. According to the same Psychology Today article, experts suggest you ask yourself the following questions: Is your partner reliable and dependable? Can you count on your partner as the “rock” in your life? Are you a “rock” for your partner? Evaluating your partner’s trustworthiness and their overall record of dependability is crucial before you think about jumping the broom.
So far so good - you trust your partner and they are dependable. That’s great (I say in my therapist voice) and, just like baking a cake where love and trust is the flour; you need the eggs to bind the ingredients together. That’s compatibility. Many marriages may end in divorce because either the couple was never compatible or somehow they lost that compatibility. If you’re thinking of a long term commitment with your partner John Grohol, Psy D reports in 6 Absolute Must Have for Relationship Compatibility on PsychCentral website suggests you discuss your values regarding money and spending, spirituality and religion, life priorities and tempo, cleanliness and orderliness, timeliness and punctuality. For people in a committed relationship, revisiting this discussion often will help keep your values in line with one another.
A further ingredient for a successful relationship is the knowledge that your “best self” shows up in this partnership. Psychology Today suggests asking yourself if you like who you are in this relationship. Does your “better self” or “worse self” show up when you’re with your partner? Perhaps it’s a combination of both? If so, what situations tend to bring out a particular side of you? Your honest answers to these questions offer important clues to the long-term health and happiness of your relationship. This is the milk you’re going to add to the flour and eggs. Hold tight, you’re almost ready to begin blending this good ole cake.
Healthy communication and fair conflict management are also important ingredients to a successful relationship. How well do you and your partner handle conflict? Without these ingredients in just the right amount, this cake won’t rise and stand the test of time.
Now, let’s add the last ingredient so we can whip things up; sugar. Affection and appreciation is the sweet stuff without which the relationship undoubtedly will be bland and tasteless. It’s a must have. The rest is up to you. I suggest you add a touch of your own pizzazz to make it your very own recipe; maybe things like getting in touch with your partner’s love language. Don’t be afraid to explore and have fun.
There’s no exact science to the perfect relationship but it does take more than the words “I love you”. If you and your partner would like to discuss the ingredients of your relationship contact Methodist Healthcare Employee Assistance Program at 901-683-5658 for free, confidential assistance. We are just a phone call away.
Margarite Rogers, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Substance Abuse Professional with nearly a decade of experience in the field of mental health. She received her Master’s degree in Social Work from University of Tennessee in 2008.