Broken Promises and the Path to Recovery

Broken Promises and the Path to Recovery

I see couples of varying descriptions regularly as an EAP counselor. They present with long marriages (30+ years), short marriages (less than a year) and not uncommonly, unmarried relationships that, for all practical purposes, look like marriage other than the paperwork!

Sad to say (are you surprised?), a significant percentage are in distress over some version of infidelity, recent or distant. Trust has been broken, damage done and questions remain unanswered. Let’s be clear, this is not always the same story: the male as the villain and the female the injured party; we live in a complicated times, with gender roles and behavior less predictable.

Relationships fall apart for many different reasons, but one of the most common and challenging to overcome is the discovery that one partner has “cheated” on the other. Few events in the life of a couple, except possibly major illness and death, carry such devastating impact. The situation is not just a violation of trust but a shock that makes the parties question their past, their future and even their personal identity.

The Language and Details of Betrayal

The language/words we use reflect the complexity of this topic.

Consider the implications of the following expressions: adultery, infidelity, unfaithfulness, an affair, an emotional affair, cheating, running around, a fling….I’m sure you could come up with others. Is an “affair” more serious than a “fling?" Is an “emotional affair” less significant than physical involvement? If you “cheated” once, can you ever be trusted to not “cheat” again?       

Does the length of the involvement (one time event versus an extended relationship), the person with whom the involvement occurred (a co-worker or friend versus a casual acquaintance) or the timing of the event (five years ago versus last month) change how the situation is processed and the challenges of recovery?

Every story — and they are all sad considering promises made on the wedding day — is unique in some ways but ultimately leads to the same place: what does this mean for the marriage, how much damage is done and how (and can) the couple move forward?

Whatever the specifics, some of the dynamics and themes are predictable.

Question #1: Why did you do that? How could you have done that? (Or some version of this question…)

In my experience, this question (a painful one) is always in the room; sometimes unspoken but always near the surface.

In reality, no answer is likely to be satisfying. Any effort to answer (explain), and this likely has happened repeatedly before they walked into my room, invites either minimization (like "it really didn’t mean anything"), rationalization (“you were never around”) or some form of shifting blame (“you never show affection to me..." — translate this to “we hardly ever have sex”).

Questions #2: Why do you keep talking about this? I said I am sorry, but you just won’t let it go.

In other words, I’ve admitted my “crime” (more or less), said I was sorry (more or less), but have been sentenced to never ending punishment, with no chance for “parole.”

I’m sure you can imagine where this topic goes….another shift of blame with now the theme lack of forgiveness and unwillingness to move on.

The Process of Recovery

These “why” questions, although understandable, eventually need to move to the “how” of moving forward. There is no formula but there are clear steps that are necessary and skipping any (as tempting as this may be) will likely complicate or defeat recovery.

Acknowledgement of the injury, fully and without excuse.

Accepting full responsibility for choosing (and that is what it is: a choice) to betray the trust of the commitment, expressing sincere remorse and asking for forgiveness is the foundation of healing. Anyone who has been through this knows how hard this is. This does not require paragraphs of speech but simple, direct and honest regret…in short terms and then with silence (the very hard part!)

Answering honestly and openly the questions that the spouse will invariably have

Who, when, how often/how long, where, and, of course why questions will occur and how the person responds will set the course, for better or worse. Refusing to answer or “stone walling” behavior will only compound the injury. Expect these questions to be repeated and understand that the partner is trying to make sense not only of what happened but how this conflicts with their assumptions about the current relationship as well as prior history. Suddenly, everything may feel false and in doubt.

Committing to no further behavior of this type and doing whatever will help to repair the relationship

By the way, this might include seeing a marital counselor. Marriage, in the best of times, is complicated and recovering from an “affair” can be so painful that having someone to facilitate talking through the various issues may be necessary. Remember that betrayal within a committed relationship is a major injury and any re-injury of this type will compound the hurt and complexity of recovery. Expect and prepare for lapses back into pain, confusion and anger, at times in ways that may appear “out of the blue.” This is just the way it is and the key is to repeat the basics: regret and commitment to no further injury. This may be the most difficult part when the temptation is strong to be defensive or to counter-attack. 

The role of time in recovery

Time alone does not heal all but it does help. With sincere effort, willingness to talk and even more importantly, to listen and no further injury, the pain and disappointment fades and is replaced with more positive memories. To be clear, the relationship is changed, but can survive and even deepen. The injury of betrayal can become a galvanizing experience and re-make the couple and relationship into a better, stronger and more honest union.

Your EAP staff is here to support you, individually or as a couple, as you face the challenges of life. Whether in your work or personal life, confidential help is a simple call away. Give us a call at 901-683-5658.

Wayne Hyatt, LPC, CEAP

Counselor

Wayne Hyatt received a master’s degree in counseling from Memphis State University and is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), Certified Employee Assistance Professional (CEAP) and a Certified Substance Abuse Professional. He has experience in both clinical and administrative positions in behavioral health. Wayne has been active on the local, state, and national level in consultation and training in substance abuse treatment. In his spare time, he enjoys trout fishing in Arkansas and photography.